The Toxic Culture of being "Independent"

As a kid, I was always encouraged to be independent. I grew up having one goal in my head that is to be independent, and I believe every person who is capable enough to take care of themselves should do so. Being self-reliant plays a big role in boosting confidence, and there’s no greater feeling than having the freedom to do anything you desire. Most importantly, when you are dependent on no one but yourself, you don’t have to carry the guilt of being a burden.

While I keep talking about the greatness of being independent, the title of this blog suggests otherwise. One might wonder, what can be toxic about being self-sufficient?

A while back, I came across a Ted Talk by Scott Geller, and in that video, he talks about the psychology of self-motivation. He mentions because we come to this life being dependent, we can’t wait to be independent. We get so blinded by the power of freedom that we end up doing things that no rational person does to assert our independence, and we get stuck there. He then continues to mockingly say how people stuck in that phase say, “I don’t need you”, and “I’ll do it myself”, words which I have said countless times.

For someone who was raised to believe being independent is an important part of life, I was not happy about this. I felt as if my whole belief system was being questioned.

I have been on the internet for almost a decade, and we keep seeing posts and videos encouraging the attitude to do everything yourself and never need anyone. That was my idea of being independent, and I have always advocated for this mindset because it seems harmless, right? Because that’s what we have been molded to believe in this toxic culture of being independent, that asking for someone’s help and needing someone basically means you are a burden and you are giving up control to someone else who will now use you as a puppet.

The literal definition of being independent is “to be free from outside control” and being dependent means “to rely on someone for support”, but there’s also a grey area which Geller talks about, that is interdependency.

Geller suggests how we need to move from independent culture to interdependent culture. It’s where you have each other’s backs; you have a sense of community, and I can think of our Indian culture as the perfect example to support Geller’s idea of having a sense of community.

Growing up in an Indian household, you know you can always rely on your neighbor in case of emergencies. It’s a neighbor code to look out for each other. When it comes to families, we are close to each other. We might have our differences, we might have an intense dislike towards one another but when you see your family is in need, you are there for them, that’s how our culture is, it encourages interdependency.

However, it's the western culture that influences people to be overly independent, to not have a sense of community, and just think about themselves.

Practically speaking, we can’t do every single thing on our own; in some way or the other, we are dependent, and there’s no shame in that. Asking for help doesn’t make you any less independent nor makes you a burden. I learned that after going through an incident that changed my life. I don’t think I would be where I am without the support of people. And I keep pacing forward because I know my safety net is these people who will save me if I fall.

When you are interdependent, you look out for each other, and you help each other grow. You learn from one another, which helps you visualize your journey better as valuable advice is added to your little bag of experience. You get encouraged about the upsides or get warned about the downsides. Interdependency prepares you for what you can expect through the help of people, and you still have the power and control to decide whether you want to continue walking in the same direction or change your path.

That’s the beauty of being interdependent. In a world where we are expected to crush one another to reach the top, choosing to be interdependent gets you to help one another to reach greater heights together.

So, I guess it’s time to say goodbye to the toxic culture of being overly independent and make a step to rely on people and be a reliable person in return.