The impending doom of not being "pretty" enough

Insecurities are not an alien concept to us; trying to keep up with the ever-changing standards, we all fall short in one way or the other. Many of us try to look past them but unfortunately, we get caught up. Last week I was one of the people.

It was tough because usually my self-doubts are that "I am not capable enough to do something", or that "whatever good I get in life, I’m not worthy of them". So, for me, all of my cages are mental. My physical features do bother me but not really enough to bring me down. I don’t consider myself to be the epitome of beauty, I just accept the way I look because my body goes through a lot for me and I am grateful for it.

But sometimes it gets really hard when I look myself in the mirror and I have nothing to love about it.

Just a few days back I noticed my hair had started thinning and that sort of freaked me out. It’s not as if I hadn’t noticed my hair falling out, I just never realised it was that bad. So, I did what I do best when it comes to dealing with problems, ignored it and moved ahead with my life.

And that's how I have dealt with all my physical insecurities. I used to hate my nose because it was really wide. I hated my calves, thighs, and arms because they are way thicker than any average girl. I didn't like my feet cause they are really wide, so in a way I am Cinderella whose shoes aren't something that can be worn by everyone! You notice how they are in past tense? It's because I have accepted my nose and feet as I can't really afford plastic surgery. I wear long tops to hide my thighs and long sleeves to hide my arms. So, problem solved right? I ignored or accepted or just hid all my insecurities.

Unfortunately, that didn't last long because this picture started haunting me recently.

(Picture Credit: Ritik Binani)

It's a beautiful picture to be honest and one of my friends clicked it. It's a happy moment and I think that this moment being captured makes this photo precious. However, my mind didn't stop at the fact I look so happy. I immediately scanned the entire picture like a computer and started listing out all the flaws I noticed.

I don't like how clearly you can see my receding hair and that it's not perfect, straight, and glossy. I hate that my forehead is bumpy like a speed breaker, that my face is covered with pimples and spots, I don't have a jawline, I don't have a conventionally thin nose nor perfect set of paper white teeth. I wish I didn't have to wear glasses, I wish I had a longer neck and I wish I looked better than this. And it doesn't stop right here, I don't like my body or any physical features of myself. It has gotten so worse that I don't even like my smile cause it's not "perfect".

So, what's the purpose of writing this? Fetch assurance and compliments? No.

I don't think any amount of assurance or compliments will make my insecurities vanish. The feeling of not being enough haunts so many of us. And it's really sad that so many of us see ourselves in pictures or in the mirror and find nothing beautiful enough. I saw this picture and I thought to myself how do people not find me disgusting. All of a sudden I was questioning why would anyone ever love me when I look like this?

I was talking about this with my best friend and she said that I shouldn't feel this way because I am beautiful. And I explained to her it's because we know each other so well, and she loves me so much that it has blinded her sense of analyzing how ugly I am. But then she said this one thing that made me feel so much better. She said that apparently my confidence of being comfortable in my skin makes her feel confident about herself. That's something I never realised until it was pointed out. And that made me so happy, that I have this power to make people feel good about themselves.

So, the purpose here is to remind you and in a way remind myself, you are so much more than how you look. I can assure you I know and love so many people not because they have a perfect nose with no blackheads or because they have slim calves, I like them for who they are. I am not saying you should stop working out or not be healthy or not have a skincare routine. I think it's so important to lead a healthy lifestyle. But please don't let your self worth be directly proportional to how you look. Even your imperfections can be so charming to the right person. I promise, you are loved and you are enough.